Successful men can't approach women for five reasons: not knowing what to say, not feeling they deserve her, caring what others think, assuming they're bothering her, and fearing rejection. The fix: be more arrogant and assume she likes you, fix your self-talk so you love yourself, and choose regret over rejection. Approaching is a skill, so level it up.
The Coffee Shop Dilemma - Your Internal Battle
Let's just say you're at the coffee shop and you walk in, you order your freaking Americano or whatever. You look to your right and there she is - a girl that's exactly your type. And you're like, "Oh my God." You get this urge.
Half of you - let's say this side of you - wants to go say what's up because you're a man at the end of the day. You see an attractive girl, you want to go talk to her. The other half of you is like, "Oh my God, bro, don't do this. You know she's going to call you a creep. She's going to reject you. Just go back on Hinge and maybe she's on Hinge. Don't do this man, just let this girl go about her coffee, let her go about her day. Don't be that guy, just get your coffee and go."
And I'd argue, bro, nine times out of 10, this side of your body - the part that says just let her be, don't be a creep, don't be that guy - wins. And it's so interesting to me because guys, what if your wife, the mother of your kids, the only girl to ever treat you right, is somebody that's not on a dating app? And that's not me fear-mongering, that's just me being dead ass. What if she's not on a dating app? What are you going to do?
The Mortal Kombat Analogy
Think of yourself like a character on Mortal Kombat. You got looks, you got some money, you got confidence, maybe you got your pictures on the dating app. Think of all your stats. For most men out there, approaching women is always their lowest stat.
With dating apps, dude, there are guys out here with full-blown five-girl rotations all from dating apps. So I get it, I get why a lot of men have stepped away from approaching when they can be in the peace of their own home, feet up, watching Netflix while swiping beautiful girls of their city on an app. Easy.
Approaching is vulnerable. You don't know what could happen. Her boyfriend can come out of nowhere and Superman punch you. She can say, "I know you're not trying to talk to me," embarrass you, reject you. But I feel like approaching is so important because you never know where your person's going to come from. Is it from a social circle? Is it from a dating app? Is it from approaching just randomly out and about - a coffee shop or Whole Foods? You don't know.
Reason 1: 'I Don't Know What To Say' (But You Do)
The first reason why you're scared to approach is because you claim you don't know what to say. Let's break that down into two parts: Number one, you do know what to say, you're just scared to say it. And number two, you feel like you don't know what to say, but what's really happening is you feel like you have to say the right thing.
Let's start with the first thing: you know what to say, you're just scared to say it. Most of you would love to say, "Hey, you're hot, come here. Hey, your ass is so fat in those yoga pants." Like, you know what comes up here. You know what to say, you're just scared to say it.
And the second layer I can think of in regards to knowing what to say is you feel like you have to say the right thing. I think that's the biggest thing - you feel like you have to say the right thing. But let me tell you something: when a girl finds you attractive, there's no such thing as the right thing to say. As long as you're not being extremely creepy, you walking up to her and saying, "Hey, what's your name? Oh, I'm Chad. I find you attractive, would love to take you out for a drink sometime" - she would go, "Oh yeah, for sure."
"It's literally that simple. Stop thinking you have to be this pickup artist. You have to have this most charismatic approach to make her smile and laugh. It is literally so simple."
Keep It Simple System
Me personally, I have like a set routine when I approach a girl. So it's the same approach, different girl. It's because I know: Hey, I'm gonna make a comment based off what I see, transition into logistics. Does she live here? Oh, she's visiting, okay. Oh, she lives here, great. What part? Oh, she's close to me, perfect.
Maybe I'll address her friend group, get them talking. And then maybe if the conversation keeps going, cool. If not, I'll just close, get the number, and head out.
Reason 2: You Don't Think You Deserve Her
The second reason why you can't approach a girl is because you don't think that you deserve it. So one time I was having a conversation with a client of mine and I said, "Hey man, you were out last night, you didn't approach any girls. Why not?" And he said, "You know what, Chad, when I saw girls, I just thought to myself, they wouldn't want me."
So this comes down to negative self-talk and low self-esteem. And it makes perfect sense: if you look in the mirror and you don't like what you see, it's going to be very difficult to give that person to somebody else. Imagine you were a salesman and you hated the product you were selling. You'd probably be a pretty bad salesman with the product you're selling if you didn't even like the product.
For me, as you guys know if you've been watching my content, I'm arrogant. Now I'm not arrogant everywhere in life, just with dating. I can't really think of any cons of being arrogant in regards to dating. I look at every girl that I find attractive and I go, "Yeah, she probably would like me too. Oh yeah, that girl would probably think I'm amazing."
The Arrogant Mindset
Because what if I'm right? Then I'm right. But if I'm wrong, that's okay. I can't win them all. But at least I go into every interaction with a woman going, "Oh, she's going to love this. Oh, I'm about to brighten her day. I'm about to give this girl the golden ticket."
Like, that's what I genuinely think. So when I approach girls, I have this energy about me where it's like, "Oh dude, I'm the best. She'll love me."
One of the biggest reasons why guys can't approach girls is they look at a girl and go, "Oh, she wouldn't like black guys. Oh, she probably wouldn't like Indian guys." What you're doing is you're projecting - you don't like yourself, so you're projecting those insecurities onto the woman. And also, it keeps you safe because if you were to approach that girl and she would reject you, you'd go, "See, I knew it. She doesn't like black people, doesn't like Indian people." But it keeps you safe because you don't even have to face that fear.
Reason 3: You Care What Others Think
The third reason why you can't approach girls is because you care what others think. I also learned this while I was coaching an individual. He said, "Well Chad, if I approach girls at the gym, what if other guys in there judge me?"
Well, let me tell you something. I'm a very active gym-goer. I'm probably at the gym five, six days a week, and I've personally never seen a guy approach a girl. And you know what that tells me? That tells me I'm so locked into my workout. If I see a guy talk to a girl, I just assume they know each other. And number two, if I see a guy approach a girl, I'm like, "There we go! That's what I'm talking about!" I love it. I love to see guys out here getting active and making approaches and not just saying, "Damn, she bad," and keep walking.
If anything, the guys around you would be like, "Yeah bro, go ahead and get that." Now obviously if that's the guy's gym crush and they see you talking to her, whatever, he may give you a side eye. But who cares? F that guy.
The Friend Shame Game
If you're with your guy friends and you're scared your guy friends are going to judge you for approaching women - bro, are they gay? Why would they ever judge you for approaching women?
But here's what they could do: "Damn bro, it's not all about women." They'll try to shame you for approaching women. And the reason why they're shaming you is because you're making them feel insecure. That guy is saying, "Damn, I wish I could do what you're doing."
Most men are very jealous of guys who can approach. I would love to know whenever I'm out at a club or a bar and guys see me approach a girl - I wonder how many guys go, "Damn, I wish I had the balls to approach her. She's so pretty, but I can't. I'm stuck here. All I can say is damn, she bad."
Reason 4: You Think You're Bothering Her
The next reason why you can't approach a girl is because you think you're bothering her. So this one is a big one. This is a very common - I'd say this is like a top three reason why guys cannot approach women.
What a lot of guys do is they are projecting how they think the girl feels. Let's just say you're at a dog park and you see a girl approaching you, walking her dog, and you think she's beautiful. What the guy will say is, "Oh, she probably doesn't want to be stopped. Her dog needs her steps, so let me just not approach her because what if I'm bothering her? She probably doesn't want to be approached by a man."
What if that girl intentionally went to that dog park to talk to men? Let's just say her girlfriend said, "Hey girl, there's a lot of guys walking their dog at the dog park. You may find a guy there." So she may see you walking up towards her and go, "Oh, he's attractive." You guys make eye contact, and then when she gets close, you put your head down and keep walking. What if that girl came to the dog park to meet guys and that was her whole reason why she's there? But you are like, "Oh well, she probably doesn't want to be approached." How do you know that?
"Here's how I see it: if a girl is out in a very public place, they're asking for attention. If these girls did not want to be bothered, they would have sat in the car and spoke or went to each other's apartment."
The Mindset Flip
Instead of you thinking that you're bothering her, how about you think of it like you're giving her an opportunity to meet you? Flip it. Most guys: "Oh, what if I'm bothering her?" Me: you're giving her the opportunity to meet you.
Because think about this way: aren't you the one taking her out and paying for the bill? So she gets an opportunity to go out with you and experience you. That's how I see it.
If you have a friend who's a girl, ask her: when was the last time you were approached in broad daylight? Not a bar or club, no. I'm talking you're walking to your car from Target, you're out at Whole Foods. When's the last time a guy approached you? Broad daylight, no alcohol involved. And you'd be surprised - she may say never, or it's been a very long time.
Reason 5: Fear of Rejection (The King of All Fears)
The next reason why most guys cannot approach girls - and this would have to be the king, which is why I put it last - is good old rejection. I'm going to go in about rejection right now because I've thought so much about it. Rejection, I'd argue, is the main reason why most guys cannot approach.
Let's start with the first thing: regret over rejection. If you're the type of person where you just fear regret, you're good. Because there's been times I'm legit leaving the gym, all of a sudden an attractive girl comes in, and I'm like, "Chad, I know you're about to clock out of the gym, but she's bad. You're going to regret going to your car and not talking to her." I will legit turn around, walk back into the gym, and go, "Excuse me, as you walked by me, I thought you were super pretty. What's your name?" Got her number and left. Because I know for a fact if I left that gym without saying anything, I would regret it.
The Clarity and Comfort of Rejection
Clarity: Rejection lets me know, does this girl like me or not? How many times have you been at a gym, you saw your gym crush over and over for months on end, and you just want to know, does she like me or not? But you walk past her, you go back to your car, and you say to yourself, "I guess we'll never know."
Comfort: If you're ever out in a public space while the sun's up, every guy in there is probably like, "Damn, she's beautiful," but maybe one person has the balls to approach her. If I'm the guy who ends up approaching her, I get lots of comfort knowing that I did something that nobody else could do.
The Brunch Story
I'll tell you a quick story. I'm at brunch with my friend and I see this beautiful Latina girl get up and walk out, and I'm like, "Bro, I need to go talk to her." So I get up, damn near chase her out the restaurant, stop her before she gets to her car, and I talk to her, get to know her a little bit, get her Instagram, shoot her a follow.
And guess what? No follow back. She's uninterested. But guess what I did get? Rejected, yes. But number one, clarity: I now know this girl doesn't like me. Number two, comfort: I know I did something nine out of 10 guys wouldn't do. The fact that I did the most - got up, chased her out the restaurant, approached her, got her IG, shot her a message, she never got back to me - that's okay because I did everything I was supposed to do.
Most guys would have looked at her get up, they'd go, "Damn, she bad," and went back to eating. I said, "Nah, I like her. I'm going to go talk to her." I got rejected, but at least I know I did my part. I did everything I could, and that brings me comfort and it brings me clarity.
The 3-Point Solution To Approach Like A King
I made a lot of points today, but the biggest three points I want you to take away:
Point 1: Be More Arrogant
Assume it. Yeah, assume it. Yeah, she wants you. Go talk to her. I look at every girl that I find attractive and think, "Yeah, she probably would like me too." That's the energy you need.
Point 2: Love Yourself
If you look in the mirror and you hate what you see, you can never approach a girl well. Love yourself. Fix that negative self-talk. You are that guy - start believing it.
Point 3: Regret Over Rejection
If you can get this down, you'll be shooting your shot like it's nobody's business. I hate that feeling of never knowing. I want to know. So I'd much rather risk it all and fail than sit there and go, "Damn, what if I tried? I guess we'll never know."
Quick story: I used to work at Nordstrom selling women's shoes, making like $2,000 a month. It was a Saturday, and I was like, "Damn, it's a beautiful Saturday. My friends are at the beach or at some day club, and I'm here selling women's shoes. I need to make a change." Long story short, I quit and I became a videographer. And the videography skills turned into me being on TikTok, and then here I am now, full-time.
I guarantee you, if I never took a risk, I'd be somewhere probably in some type of sales job, maybe making 60 to 80K a year. But I took a risk, and now I'm in front of you. Because in my head, I'd much rather risk it all and fail and go back to 9-to-5 than sit on this sales floor every weekend and go, "Damn, what if I tried? I guess we'll never know."