Dating apps are not creating incels by themselves, but they expose the men who expect women as a reward for self-improvement. Getting fit or rich does not owe you a partner. The real work is facing rejection, taking ownership, and putting in far more effort than you think you need. Do that and dating apps work for you, not against you.
I just got done watching The Diary of a CEO "Are Dating Apps Creating Incels?" podcast. Very insightful. I like how it wasn't a whole bunch of shouting and yelling - they let each other do their pieces. It was very well done.
But as a guy that does coaching for men full-time, there are some things I wanted to point out and give some different perspective on. These are the critical issues I see every single day that the podcast didn't fully address.
The Toxic ROI Mindset - Why You're Not Owed Anything
Men love having direct ROIs. When I hop on a call with a guy to potentially work with me one-on-one, he will say the following: "Hey man, I'm in good shape. I have a six-figure earning job. I make money. Like, what's the issue?"
They were told, "Hey man, if you get your shit together, the direct ROI of that is women." And I have the self-improvement community to blame as well for this because I think self-improvement is like putting a Lamborghini body kit on a Honda Civic. Yes, you look like a Lamborghini, but when you put that foot on the gas, you're not going too far.
Why is that? I think the biggest thing for men when it comes to their dating life is mindset.
The Toxic ROI Mindset
- • You aren't owed because you can bench 225
- • You aren't owed because you can deadlift 400 pounds
- • You're not owed because you signed a six-figure deal
- • You're not owed that because you did those things
Congratulations, do those things for yourself, but don't think there's a direct ROI waiting for you at the end of your self-improvement.
What Real Self-Improvement Actually Looks Like
The real self-improvement is being able to approach your gym crush. The real self-improvement is to walk into that restaurant and approach a girl in front of all her friends. That's where the real self-improvement is done.
Because I can argue it's pretty easy to go to the gym five days a week, get there for an hour. Not too difficult. What's really difficult is facing rejection, facing being told no.
Women are choosing men who are interesting, who are fun, who are charismatic - not men who just think that they're owed sex because they went to school for four years and now have a six-pack.
"It can lead to resentment of women. It can lead to resentment of their own life, depression, because they thought at the end of their self-improvement journey was going to be a woman that they can respect and admire."
Men need to stop expecting an ROI just because they did the hard work. The hard work, in my opinion, is going out there and facing rejection, talking to women, etc.
Building Rejection Resilience (My Personal Story)
The white gentleman in the podcast talked about rejection resilience, and I believe rejection resilience is one of the most important things a man can have. How many times can you be told no and bounce back?
I'll tell you guys my own personal story. I was working 9-to-5 and I hated it. I was making maybe $2,000 a month and I'm like, "Damn, I'm 22, 23 at the time. This isn't enough money."
So I'd much rather risk being damn near homeless by dropping out of my 9-to-5, dropping out of school, and going door-to-door selling myself as a videographer. I legit pulled up to a business plaza and I tried selling myself to as many businesses as I could because I knew if I can just get one or two yeses a day, I'm good. I can be very comfortable.
I was willing to risk being told no. And a lot of guys are not willing to do that.
The Entrepreneurial Test
If I asked you, "Hey man, you can make 10K a month, 20K a month if you just quit your job and go door-to-door selling this or your skills" - whether you're an editor, you can do marketing, etc. - most people would say no.
Why? "What if someone tells me no?" You see the problem?
Piggybacking into the dating realm, you see these memes all the time of a guy: "Oh, how many girls are you going to talk to tonight?" And the guy's like, "10,000 girls!" And he leaves the club and they go, "How many girls you talk to tonight?" Zero.
So it's not even being rejection resilient for some guys. For some guys, it's just trying that's the hard part. They don't even want to try because the risk of getting told no cuts so deep.
My Mindset Around Rejection
I think I am that guy. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to keep approaching girls till one girl is like, "Yo, you're that guy."
So when a girl tells me no, doesn't follow me back on Instagram, or I text her after getting her number and she doesn't respond - it's okay. She just didn't see me as the guy. But I will find someone who does see me as that guy.
But here's the thing - it starts with me. A lot of times men are letting women dictate their value.
The "That Guy" Mindset
When I approach a girl and she's uninterested, I'm like, "Okay, she... I always assume it's something outside of me. It's not me. I know I'm in shape, I know I smell good, I know I look good. I know it's not a me thing. It's a them thing."
Maybe you think I'm coping. Maybe I am. But that allows me to keep getting told no and keep persevering through it.
The Brutal Truth About How Much Effort Dating Actually Takes
The third point I would like to add to that podcast: for men, in regards to women, it takes more effort than what you think. I'm going to say that again. In regards to dating women, it takes more effort than what you think.
Here's the three-point system: There's dating apps, there's approaching, and then being on the actual date. Let me break down why each one requires way more effort than you realize.
Why Your Dating App Game Needs a Complete Overhaul
Most guys haven't taken a photo of themselves in years. If it's not in a group photo or like a wedding photo, most guys haven't taken a picture of themselves in a very long time.
So what happens is when they get on dating apps, it's a collage of photos from 1 to 3 years old, some older. And it's because they don't take photos. So they get on these apps with all these old photos and bad lighting and there's no sex appeal and the photos look like you downloaded them off a 2005 Apple MacBook computer. Like it is low res.
Then they get on dating apps and they don't get any success. Guys, did you know dating apps are damn near 70% men? So girls are going to pick the best looking dudes.
The Photo Transformation Reality
I've done enough hinge makeovers where a lot of guys aren't ugly. They're just a haircut and a good photo away from gaining more attraction on the dating app.
For example, if you were to get a haircut, find a hair product that works best for your hair, get some good fashion, get in some good lighting - you would get more matches. I've doubled and tripled people's match rate on dating apps.
But it's going to take more effort. You may have to find some new clothes, get a haircut, do a photo shoot. I guarantee you those photos will come out awkward and weird. You're going to look at them and go, "Damn, who the hell is that? I look crazy."
You may have to go back out there a second time, a third time, a fourth time. It may take you upwards of a year to get a good profile where all your photos look natural and good because I've seen it. I've seen guys do photo shoots for the first time. Their posing is weird. They do weird things like they pull out their cell phone and talk on the phone and take photos. It looks bad. It looks so bad.
The Messaging Problem
Dating apps will take more effort than what you think. Then there's the dating app messaging part. Guys get on dating app messaging and they just go, "Hey, how's the weather? Oh good. Uh, you have a good weekend?" And they sit there and they talk about nothing.
And then they say, "Oh bro, girls ghost me." Yeah, because you're not making any moves. You should be asking that girl out on the dating app within three to five messages. Seriously.
But guys think - again, it's not your fault - you think you have to build rapport and she has to get to know you. She doesn't. Guys, I've matched with girls and met up with them in the same day. It happens all the time.
The Reality of Approaching - It's Harder Than You Think
Most guys haven't approached a girl sober in a very long time. If I put a gun to your head right now and said, "Go approach that girl," you'd be so awkward. You'd be so weird. Your heart would be racing so fast you may stutter, stumble on your words.
It may take you a hundred more takes to get good. A hundred, maybe even a thousand. Like that's what I'm saying. That's how many reps it's going to take to get confident with approaching women.
Some of you guys, I know this guy because I do this full-time: If it's not for alcohol, you're never approaching a woman. Like ever. If there's no liquid courage in you, there's not a shot you approach a girl sober at the grocery store. There's not a shot that you approach a girl at a dinner table with all her friends. No way.
First Date Reality Check
The next thing that is going to take more effort than what you think is going on first dates. Again, a lot of guys go on first dates, they pick a restaurant in her side of town. They go there, they're having platonic, friendly conversations. The guy looks at the bill, it's like $185. The girl just goes, "Okay, nice seeing you," side hugs him and he goes home like, "Damn, that wasn't even freaking worth it."
But the problem was first the logistics. It's easier to sit at a bar close to her while you guys are damn near hip to hip and you're flirting. You're touching, you're touching the little knee, touching the little shoulder. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. But again, guys don't know this. So they go on dates and they run them horribly and then they say women ain't... it's all bad.
Stop Making Excuses and Take Direct Ownership
The last thing I want to talk about is men don't want to take direct ownership. You see, there's a lot of content out there nowadays basically giving men the out: "Oh bro, it's not you. You're in the wrong location. Oh bro, it's not you. It's the modern woman, bro. It's not you. It's just these dating apps and the culture."
So men are like, "Yeah, like I'm struggling, so let me find content that allows me to stay where I'm at."
My content tries to bring men up: approach that girl, get that photo shoot done, get in shape, approach girls. Like that's my message to men. I don't like to cuddle men because guys, if you look at the stats, it's not looking good. We're not going to college. We're not asking women out. We're addicted to pornography. It's all bad.
The Hard Truth
- • No, you don't need to move to a new country
- • No, it's not the culture - it's you
- • There's plenty of guys who look just like you who are shorter than you who have success in dating
- • If you don't take a hard look in the mirror and ask yourself what you need to do to change it...
I've helped out guys who are 5'4. I've helped out guys who are 6'3. Both guys were struggling in some regard with something. So don't think, "Oh, if I was taller, all my things would go away." No, I've helped out guys who were 6'3 who could barely get dates either.
So don't think if things were better, you would just crush it. A lot of times it's a mindset. If you're able to take direct ownership of your situation, you're going to do better.
Don't watch content that coddles you. You'll always stay a loser if you're watching content that tells you you are not the problem.
The Reality Check Challenge
If you haven't had a date in the past 6 months, that's a problem. All you have to do is create a banger online dating profile, swipe right 20 to 30 times a day, and you will get something. I promise you that.
If you think I'm crazy, go down to my link, click the one-on-one, and tell me "Bro, I did everything." Let me see your profile because I really feel like if men took direct ownership of their situation and didn't watch content that coddled them, they would do better.
Every guy watching this right now, you've had success with women to some extent. You had a kiss, you had sex, you had a relationship. So some girl agreed that you're that guy, which is why she slept with you or why she decided to go on a date with you. She saw potential in you.
Every guy watching this has had some success. So if one girl sees you like that, I guarantee there's a thousand more. You just got to find them. If you keep doing that over and over again, you can't be told no ever. You're a superstar at that point. If you want help getting there faster, you can work with me 1-on-1 through the coaching program.